What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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