My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
