Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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