Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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