So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
there is puke in my bra ... again
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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