I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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