i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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