You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
