You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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