I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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