It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You took a bar mat shot.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
