I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
