I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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