I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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