Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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