when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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