why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
