So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
