Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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