he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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