i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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