There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
