I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
