you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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