i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
