So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
