Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
