my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Randomize
