I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
