if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
