I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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