Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
