dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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