Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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