An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
