i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Even my vagina gasped.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
