I am puke
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
