the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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