I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
