i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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