Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
not ubering you a puppy
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
