You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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