White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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