Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
