just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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