we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
