Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
