On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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