I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
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