I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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