How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
